Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
