Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize