The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
