Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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