Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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