Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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