I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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