but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
