he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
