she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
