don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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