and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
