When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
