I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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