4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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