I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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