so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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