I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
