fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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