I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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