just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
