Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
