a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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