so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
