My underwear smells like fireworks.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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