roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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