Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
