somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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