I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
