I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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