I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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