I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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