well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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