frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Are my feet made of real feet?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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