he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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