so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
