He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
