So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
