I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
