My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
