Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
