There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
