I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize