I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
