I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
