As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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