You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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