god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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