my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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