Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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