It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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