My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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