No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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