8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
