i jhust puked up my retainher.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
