6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you win again, gameday.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
