i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
